What type of world do we live in where people actually try to find the best injuries to fake for pain meds? Obviously, the type where folks go around faking injuries for pain meds. Not my cup of tea, but then again… I don’t like tea… or pain meds. Granted, they can be great when you are actually in pain, but otherwise… why bother? I’m about as interested in faking injuries for pain meds (sounds like the name of a punk song… “faking injuries for pain meds”) as Tal in her recent listicle on 6 Easiest Ways to Get Prescribed Pain Pills; which is not so much. But, like Miss Kesselman, I, too am a bit curious as to how there seem to be so many people scheming on the daily for prescription drugs. My curiosity was provoked a number of years ago when I sat, miserably in the ER in one of the worst pains of my life. Cheek swelled up like a chipmunk; clutching my face; wishing I had some antibiotics and pain meds, a gun, anything to take away the pain.
I had a toothache caused by a nasty infection, by the way. If the sound of that doesn’t make you cringe, then you’ve obviously never suffered through tooth pain. But if you have, then you can imagine the relief I felt when the nurse walked through the door opening a tiny package with a single dose of vicodin inside. As she handed me the pill and a dixie cup full of water, she started to go off about how many patients she sees a day that come in and fake an injury in hopes that the doc sends them off with a script in hand. I’m sure the thought crossed her mind that I could have been just another junkie trying to get their fix, but she said she truly believed I was in pain, and I’m glad she did because I vaguely remember being in so much pain that I could have strangled the cuteness out of a puppy!
I remember thinking how desperate these addicts must be to waste their time at that particular hospital on a regular basis just to score. Where I live, that particular hospital is infamous for how slow and poor the service is (to give you an idea, the typical response to someone going there is, “psh! Good luck!”). But I also remember thinking, ‘people actually fake this stuff? For drugs?’. The thought had never even crossed my mind until then, and maybe it was just the spark of interest that had me picking up on certain actions of some close friends of mine. Particularly, a woman, who became much like an aunt or a sister old enough to be my mom, with a “rare condition” and would pop prescription pills like candy. I definitely try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I accompanied her to a doctor visit one day and from then on was convinced. Things started clicking in my head when she would talk about her past and how healthy she was. By the looks of her then, it was hard to imagine her ever being in the army; which is where her problem developed. She had suffered a common injury and was given prescription pills to help with pain. During this time she also suffered through some traumatic times and when she became healed, she still needed these drugs. I’m sure that’s not the case with everyone, but regardless if I agree with the lifestyle or not, they’re your shoes—you walk wherever you want to in them! Unless it’s behind the wheel of a shoddy van handing out “free candy” to small children… Then, you deserve to be shot in the face—or worse! But we won’t go there.
Now, my friend—she was in it for the long haul, but some may just be looking at the last resort quick fix. Although I’ll definitely be giving these more long-term injuries a mention, I noticed from my friend that it is definitely a way of life in that she had to revolve her world around making sure everyone (especially her doctors!) believed she needed the medication (I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t fooled) and therefore, will focus on the more guaranteed quick fixes. I’ve also taken into consideration the severity of these particular injuries and tried to rank them accordingly to the likeliness that the phony patient will be believed to be in enough pain to be given something to treat it. Remember, you ARE faking it, so there’s no guarantee your doctor won’t see right past you and your sham of a story. Which brings me to my next factor: your story. If you decide to fake one of the best injuries to fake for pain meds on our list, you’re obviously going to need one to back up your so-called injury, and much like these injuries, some stories are easier to fake than others. Keeping all these different factors in mind, I found a similar list which I used as a base to make up the easiest injuries to fake. While they were leaning more towards injuries to fake to get you out of work and things of that nature, I was quick to take note of the fact that some of the injuries listed wouldn’t show up on an x-ray or other medical tests. Upon revising my search for now “injuries that cannot be detected via scans or x-rays”, I found some very predominant options.
It might appear that I already let one out of the bag with the whole toothache bit, but mind you, I got lucky there; which is why I wouldn’t say it’s one of the best injuries to fake for pain meds. I’ve known many people in that same boat who weren’t so lucky because, quite frankly, it’s a doctor—not a dentist! They really can’t do anything for you! However, ‘member how I mentioned earlier about being the type to just tough out pain? Yeah, I wasn’t lying! I’ve known I need my wisdom teeth removed, but have been suffering through random infections for over a decade, now. They used to torture me every few months, and I quickly realized that pain medication acted more like a band-aid to my toothache. I knew that antibiotics, although doing nothing for pain, was what I needed. I honestly, wasn’t after the pain meds—I wanted antibiotics. The doctor, acknowledging my pain and also the fact that antibiotics can be deadly when taken incorrectly, couldn’t just give me antibiotics without really knowing what to give. The best way they could help was to give me some temporary relief; which they admittedly said they felt comfortable with since I kept pushing for antibiotics and had no interest in their pain pills. Hmm… Did I just expose a secret to using reverse psychology on the doctor in his powerless circumstance? Well, if you need new ideas after this and you’re feeling lucky, I guess give it a shot. But definitely not before you act your way through these more sure-fire solutions. Or you could just… find a new hobby. But now, let’s see which are the best injuries to fake for pain meds.
We are continuingour list of best injuries to fake for pain meds with a sprain that is a pretty common injury that occurs when the ligaments of a joint are overworked or rolls/twists in an awkward way, but not so much so that it causes a fracture. Although it is possible to sprain your wrists, knees, and other joints, a sprained ankle is probably the easiest one to fake since we’re constantly on our feet and a simple step in the wrong direction can lead to a world of pain. Since sprains can easily be diagnosed and treated by their victims you could claim you tripped over anything or even nothing at all (hey, it happens to the best of us) and sprained your ankle. Don’t forget to mention that you took care of the swelling with some ice and have been taking over-the-counters for pain, but aren’t getting the relief you need with your active lifestyle (or, just throw in whatever ee sounds legit). But whatever you do, don’t play the injury up too much, although it’s really one of the best injuries to fake for pain meds, or you might run into some trouble as the doctor will surely want to run some tests to make sure it’s not more serious than it is.
Next on our list of best injuries to fake for pain meds is similar to a sprain. But, we are talking about strain and that is what happens when a muscle or tendon stretches or tears as opposed to a sprain referring more to the stretching or tearing of the ligaments. While you could act like you strained your ACL, pretending to have strained your rotator cuff would be a smarter option since the ACL strain would be a lot more obvious to detect just by the look of it. That and the rotator cuff just so happens to be the most common strain. They are a very common injury amongst athletes, so even if you’re not the most athletic maybe you just wanna make yourself out to be and come up with a believable sports-related accident to present to the doctor. Again, you don’t want to overdo it on your performance because although many soft tissues don’t show up on an x-ray, he’ll just order more tests be done to make sure there’s no serious damage and will eventually figure out you’re full of it!
4. Shin Splints
Next on our list of best injuries to fake for pain meds are shin splints. However, don’t go thinking you’re going to be getting any real serious pain pills for faking shin splints. They often occur when the muscles near your shins are overused and there is no test that can confirm whether or not you’re full of it because the damage to your muscle is not severe enough to show up on any test. While shin splints aren’t the most painful thing in the world and typically only last a few days, it is possible for the pain to be ongoing for a few weeks and it wouldn’t be too hard to play it off like you need something a little stronger than your over-the-counters. But that’s it!—and you would most likely know better than me what types of painkillers are milder than others, so be sure not to suggest anything too over-the-top or else the doc might smell some foul play. Oh, and I would assume you’d be smart enough to make it seem like you’re having a hard time walking, but it also wouldn’t hurt to mention that you’re not comfortable with a number of over-the-counters you have been taking to dull the pain.
3. Neck, Back or Knee Pain
Remember the woman in the intro? She was supposedly faking a back injury, and I say “supposedly” because along with neck and knee pain, not only the cause but the proof of back pains can often go undetected. And I’ll give you a little tip: lower back pain just happens to be the hardest to unmask. This can potentially wind up as a more long-term scenario; which may or may not be a bad thing for you. I’ll weigh out some of your pros and cons so you can better decide whether or not it’s one of the best injuries to fake for pain meds. On the one end, figuring out the source of your pain can be a long and complicated process, so it’s possible you could score a regular supply of pain killers for at least a couple of weeks to maybe even a few months. Buuut, you also gotta keep up with the act for that long, too and you’ll be busy keeping up with the necessary diagnostics needed to properly diagnose you. Good thing there’s no single diagnostics test that can precisely identify your diagnosis in this scenario.
Let’s se what’s next on our list of best injuries to fake for pain meds. We all know that whiplash is the result of a sudden powerful jerk to the head. That jerk can be the culprit of a great deal of discomfort in your neck. Funny thing about it is that sometimes the symptoms won’t start to reveal themselves right away. Super common in car accidents, so I wouldn’t see why you couldn’t make up some phony bologna story of how you were in an accident with your friend and didn’t think anything of it because you were able to walk away from it. Although over-the-counters are suggested, they symptoms can include pain in the neck and back, and with a headache on top of that, it can be a tough job for a simple over-the-counter to tackle. Like the majority of these scenarios’, don’t think you’re going to walk away with the gold. Especially, if you’re trying to push for those serious pain killers, dum-dum.
Based off of personal experience (not my own, but one’s I’ve witnessed, personally) and some research, I’ve concluded that the best injuries to fake for pain meds is a simple migraine. We’ll start with the personal experience. My mother’s ex-husband along with the sister of my friend with the back pain from the intro both suffered from migraines. He was never seen regularly for his troubles, and she—like her sister—had regular doctor visits, but not related to her migraines. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME they would step into the ER plagued with a migraine, they would float out (get it? I’ll wait for it… Got it, now? Haha!). Boy, do I have some stories of how “high” they would get but we’ll save that for another day. Although, I can’t help but mention the time he mistook the ice for imitation crab meat and filled every glass, not able to figure out why the tea “tasted funny”. So you can imagine they weren’t getting any wimpy pain pills. Now, granted they actually HAD migraines, BUT MRI’s and CT scans can’t really see your migraine; only if it is the consequence of a more serious condition, like a brain tumor an aneurysm. You’ll just have to decide whether the large hospital bill is worth the prize.
But in all seriousness, if you’re thinking about best injuries to fake for pain meds (and you obviously are, otherwise you would not have ventured onto the article)—just don’t! The woman I keep mentioning; her sister. Both dead and both could have probably lived a lot longer had they not had so many drug related issues. Speaking from personal experience, again—the people who love and care about you don’t want to see you being lowered into the ground in a fancy wooden box.