What type of world do we live in where people actually try to find the best injuries to fake for pain meds? Obviously, the type where folks go around faking injuries for pain meds. Not my cup of tea, but then again… I don’t like tea… or pain meds. Granted, they can be great when you are actually in pain, but otherwise… why bother? I’m about as interested in faking injuries for pain meds (sounds like the name of a punk song… “faking injuries for pain meds”) as Tal in her recent listicle on 6 Easiest Ways to Get Prescribed Pain Pills; which is not so much. But, like Miss Kesselman, I, too am a bit curious as to how there seem to be so many people scheming on the daily for prescription drugs. My curiosity was provoked a number of years ago when I sat, miserably in the ER in one of the worst pains of my life. Cheek swelled up like a chipmunk; clutching my face; wishing I had some antibiotics and pain meds, a gun, anything to take away the pain.
I had a toothache caused by a nasty infection, by the way. If the sound of that doesn’t make you cringe, then you’ve obviously never suffered through tooth pain. But if you have, then you can imagine the relief I felt when the nurse walked through the door opening a tiny package with a single dose of vicodin inside. As she handed me the pill and a dixie cup full of water, she started to go off about how many patients she sees a day that come in and fake an injury in hopes that the doc sends them off with a script in hand. I’m sure the thought crossed her mind that I could have been just another junkie trying to get their fix, but she said she truly believed I was in pain, and I’m glad she did because I vaguely remember being in so much pain that I could have strangled the cuteness out of a puppy!
I remember thinking how desperate these addicts must be to waste their time at that particular hospital on a regular basis just to score. Where I live, that particular hospital is infamous for how slow and poor the service is (to give you an idea, the typical response to someone going there is, “psh! Good luck!”). But I also remember thinking, ‘people actually fake this stuff? For drugs?’. The thought had never even crossed my mind until then, and maybe it was just the spark of interest that had me picking up on certain actions of some close friends of mine. Particularly, a woman, who became much like an aunt or a sister old enough to be my mom, with a “rare condition” and would pop prescription pills like candy. I definitely try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I accompanied her to a doctor visit one day and from then on was convinced. Things started clicking in my head when she would talk about her past and how healthy she was. By the looks of her then, it was hard to imagine her ever being in the army; which is where her problem developed. She had suffered a common injury and was given prescription pills to help with pain. During this time she also suffered through some traumatic times and when she became healed, she still needed these drugs. I’m sure that’s not the case with everyone, but regardless if I agree with the lifestyle or not, they’re your shoes—you walk wherever you want to in them! Unless it’s behind the wheel of a shoddy van handing out “free candy” to small children… Then, you deserve to be shot in the face—or worse! But we won’t go there.
Now, my friend—she was in it for the long haul, but some may just be looking at the last resort quick fix. Although I’ll definitely be giving these more long-term injuries a mention, I noticed from my friend that it is definitely a way of life in that she had to revolve her world around making sure everyone (especially her doctors!) believed she needed the medication (I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t fooled) and therefore, will focus on the more guaranteed quick fixes. I’ve also taken into consideration the severity of these particular injuries and tried to rank them accordingly to the likeliness that the phony patient will be believed to be in enough pain to be given something to treat it. Remember, you ARE faking it, so there’s no guarantee your doctor won’t see right past you and your sham of a story. Which brings me to my next factor: your story. If you decide to fake one of the best injuries to fake for pain meds on our list, you’re obviously going to need one to back up your so-called injury, and much like these injuries, some stories are easier to fake than others. Keeping all these different factors in mind, I found a similar list which I used as a base to make up the easiest injuries to fake. While they were leaning more towards injuries to fake to get you out of work and things of that nature, I was quick to take note of the fact that some of the injuries listed wouldn’t show up on an x-ray or other medical tests. Upon revising my search for now “injuries that cannot be detected via scans or x-rays”, I found some very predominant options.
It might appear that I already let one out of the bag with the whole toothache bit, but mind you, I got lucky there; which is why I wouldn’t say it’s one of the best injuries to fake for pain meds. I’ve known many people in that same boat who weren’t so lucky because, quite frankly, it’s a doctor—not a dentist! They really can’t do anything for you! However, ‘member how I mentioned earlier about being the type to just tough out pain? Yeah, I wasn’t lying! I’ve known I need my wisdom teeth removed, but have been suffering through random infections for over a decade, now. They used to torture me every few months, and I quickly realized that pain medication acted more like a band-aid to my toothache. I knew that antibiotics, although doing nothing for pain, was what I needed. I honestly, wasn’t after the pain meds—I wanted antibiotics. The doctor, acknowledging my pain and also the fact that antibiotics can be deadly when taken incorrectly, couldn’t just give me antibiotics without really knowing what to give. The best way they could help was to give me some temporary relief; which they admittedly said they felt comfortable with since I kept pushing for antibiotics and had no interest in their pain pills. Hmm… Did I just expose a secret to using reverse psychology on the doctor in his powerless circumstance? Well, if you need new ideas after this and you’re feeling lucky, I guess give it a shot. But definitely not before you act your way through these more sure-fire solutions. Or you could just… find a new hobby. But now, let’s see which are the best injuries to fake for pain meds.