6 Easiest Ways to Get Prescribed Pain Pills

Let me start by saying that if you’re seriously looking for the easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills, then you really are in pain. Mental pain. I don’t mean to bust your balls, I totally get the curiosity -that’s why I’m writing this article- but please don’t take what your read here as advice. If you’re really that desperate go see a shrink, or just skip that step and check yourself into rehab. Now, let’s learn a little something and laugh about how screwed up society is!

I’ve never personally had to embark on the search for opioids, maybe because that’s just not that much of a thing in my country (Yay, third world!), although we have a lot of other harmful crap. Sadly for the USA, you are way more screwed than we are: you’re doing heroin-level stuff, so of course you can get addicted to it if you don’t treat it with respect, and EVEN IF YOU DO! That is SO irresponsible of your health care system, your mom should be ashamed -that means you, Britain. It can literally happen to anyone, because it’s legal, and it’s been right there, at the grasp of your hands for so many years. Some people blame Obamacare for the spike in opioids abuse because it made them “free”. Personally, I think it’s stupid to blame it on public health; it’s years of bad regulations giving birth to its natural damn mess.

Just now awareness has risen, and you’ve still got a long way to go. Upon asking people, “a surprising 56 percent of the public say they have some personal connection to the issue – either because they say they know someone who has taken a prescription painkiller that wasn’t prescribed to them, know someone who has been addicted, or know someone who has died from a prescription painkiller overdose.”  That’s what has made you junkies, and the thing is that you can basically get them anywhere else. This is an article about getting prescribed drugs, but the truth is: if you really want to get them, the last thing you need is a doctor’s order.

Like I said, I don’t think any of the following easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills are good ideas, and if you’re in pain you should definitely try something else, because besides being addictive, there’s a whole lot of things that are wrong with opioids. For one, as this website states  “Your nightly glass of wine should be off-limits”. If it was me who had to take this advice, I’d be thinking “Great, now I feel like a pill-popper and a drunk!”. If you’re bound by it, the guy can tell you what NOT to do if you’re trying to get pain pills prescribed, and if you want to go even further, here are the 6 Easiest ways to Break your Finger, Hand, or Wrist with Little Pain. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.

That being said, click next to get some very bad ideas on how to ruin your life. Best of luck while reading our list of easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills!

6. Inflict Some Real, Painful Injury on Yourself

Out of the 6 easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills, this is the least easy, but probably also the most likely to work. Of course, no one wishes to do any of these, but remember, opioids might make you THAT reckless. It’s like when junkies recur to prostitution in order to get money for smack. Anyway, here are some ideas:

– Dislocate your shoulder

– Re-wound a pre-existing injury, for example: “A man, who had originally become addicted to opioids when he twisted his ankle, would re-injure the ankle by jumping up and down on it or hitting it with a hammer”.

– Slam the car door (hard) on your arm. (I got this from TV show “The Leftovers”, where everyone’s totally f*cked up).

– Shoot yourself in the foot. “I’m serious, it doesn’t hurt as much as you think it would. That’s what I do, anyway.”

Is he serious? I hope not, otherwise what he is, is seriously desperate, that’s what he is. In any case, it’s a dubious suggestion, courtesy of BlueLight.

5. Move to the South West

No, that’s not Kimye’s daughter.

We are continuing with a number 5 on our list of easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills and we have moving that seems pretty simple if you are in fact serious about this crap and are planning to sustain a life-long addiction to painkillers. A life that however, could end tomorrow, since these are highly dangerous, and with abuse comes a serious risk of OD. As a matter of fact, “In 2015, more than 15,000 people died from overdoses involving prescription opioids.”

Nonetheless, this user claims that “if you live in the South West, Arizona, California, etc. the doctors basically give out painkillers like lollipops”, so do some research on real-estate and start packing your bags.

While on the subject of moving, I’ll now give you a very good, valid reason to move to the West coast –or any one of these 29 states–  if you’re in real pain: their regulations on medicinal cannabis. There are many other ways of treating chronic physical discomfort, so I highly recommend looking into cannabis derivatives. Try to think outside the box, or at least outside the pill bottle.

4. Bribe the Doctor

Make it rain on that unscrupulous physician, is a number 4 on our list of easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills. Hell, you can even bribe him/her with sex if you see the chance -that is super easy. It feels extreme wrong to say that, and I really hope you don’t do it, but the title of this article is “6 easiest ways get prescribed pain pills”, and not “6 morally acceptable and legal ways to get prescribed pain pills”, so there you go: BJs, go a long way. And if you still “need a hand” (get it?), you can recur to Ben Franklin, he’s a great pal.

3. Lie Through Your Teeth

Faking severe pain and/or nerve damage seems to be the most popular solution to this problem, but WHATEVER YOU DO, do not rate your pain 10/10 (or even 9/10), because it means that you’re in –as this Craigslist user explains, “the worst pain you could possibly imagine”  Here’s a great step-by-step on how to choose and fake an injury and explanation of the number three on our list of easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills.

Being a Doctor, he also states that “if you tell me that your headache started suddenly and is the ‘worst headache of your life’ you will either end up with a spinal tap or signing out against medical advice without an rx for pain medicine”, so be careful not to over-sell your condition.

Still, here are some ideas for fake illnesses that might work:

– Present symptoms that might suggest sciatica, leg, knee, or back pain that might derive from damage to the nerves, but again, don’t exaggerate. If you’ve watched enough Dr. House, then you’re probably capable of faking the symptoms.

– Fake a kidney stone. This user here gives a very detailed explanation on his usual method to fool the MD.  According to him, you should claim you passed the stone this morning (so no proof) and act fidgety, like you’re having trouble sitting down. Now, here’s the tricky part: they will want to test your urine, to see if there’s any blood in it, so when you go to the toilet to provide the sample, prick your finger and add just a teeny-tiny drop of blood and stir. Do not add too much or you’ll be diagnosed with something way more severe. This way, you’ll get prescribed some anti-biotics, and “at LEAST some Vicodin-ES, or Lortab 10mg, or Lorcet-Plus, in some cases stronger meds than that.”

– In the same forum (man, that place is sketchy!), another user says his friend “faked an infection in his testicles, which shows no external symptoms, you just have to be a good actor and be willing to have your balls palpated and x-rayed. The standard prescription for that is twenty 5/500 Vicodin.” So there you go. If you’re really desperate, you’ll probably get your balls palpated. Whether that’s a pro or a con, it’s on you.

2. Be in Real, Non-Self-Inflicted Pain

Of course, chances are the number two on our list of easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills won’t work, after all, the internet is packed with complaints of people who are allegedly in awful pain but can’t get their hands on any Oxy. However, if it does work it’s quite easy, you literally have to do nothing other than endure.

Now, if this is your case, I feel for you, and I hope you can get treatment, but no opioids. This is not an article meant for people who are really suffering, but for the sake of silliness and bad judgment. There’s such a wide range of options when it comes to treating pain, you should not get blind-sighted by the obvious choice. That’s chickensh*t stuff, brave people are not afraid of the road less traveled. And remember what I said about medical marijuana.

1. Go See Another Doctor

DUH.

For sure, this is the number one on our list of the easiest ways to get prescribed pain pills, it is basic empiricism, scientific trial and error. In fact, “An estimated 1 out of 5 patients with non-cancer pain or pain-related diagnoses are prescribed opioids in office-based settings.”  which -sort of- means that out of five Drs. you go see, even under fake pretenses, at least one will prescribe opioids. This also gives you the benefit of making your story more believable with every experience. However, be careful not to get stuck with a bunch of needless, pricey tests. You probably will, though. Too expensive? Too bad, because Trump-don’t-care.

I hope this article hasn’t been “helpful” and, as previously mentioned, if you’re actually planning to use it as advice, then I’ll tell you what Morty told his sister:

“Get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so it’s together.

And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don’t care what you do, you just gotta get it together.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.”

(better watch the clip)

And on that note, I leave you with your thoughts. Cheers!